(theme music playing)
(cheering, applause)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver. Thank you for being with us.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin with ISIS,
the Ebola of people.
(laughter) They've had themselves a bit of an up-and-down week,
because on one hand, they were mostly driven out of Tikrit in Iraq,
but on the other hand, they gained a new ally.
ISIS is expanding from the Middle East
to new territory in West Africa.
The extremist group accepted a pledge of allegiance
from Nigeria-based Boko Haram.
Boko Haram has apparently pledged allegiance to ISIS.
Yet, you can't deny they do go together,
like peanut butter and jelly,
or more specifically, like diarrhea and spoiled monkfish.
But-- but strangely,
the merger was discussed this week
in terms that you would normally associate
with a more traditional type of acquisition.
Reporter: The new alliance already evident online.
Boko Haram's Twitter account featuring a slick new look,
With the brand that began with the Islamic State,
they can get more recruits, they can get more money,
and they can get more media attention.
What ISIS gets out of this, Charlie,
is a major advance for their brand.
(laughter) What?
"A major advance for their brand"?
You're talking about two terror organizations,
not a merger between Stragglr and The Daily Bounce.
And yes, yes, I made up the names of those two startups,
but you get the point.
But the fight against ISIS also got an unexpected recruit this week,
because there was a benefit concert
in the Kurdish region of Northern Iraq
featuring pretty much the last person you'd expect.
I'm kind of honored that...
this country has basically paid attention to Nelly.
Yes. Yes.
Nelly performed a concert this week in Erbil,
and I am glad he did,
because if you've ever wondered
if Nelly was ever in an Islamic country,
how would he be able to sing the lyrics to his most famous song,
"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes,
"I am getting so hot..."
(falsetto) * I'm gonna take my clothes off *
...then you now have an answer.
* It's getting hot in here * So hot
* So take off... (music drops)
Ladies! * I am getting...
(music drops) Nelly: I wanna hear you, honey!
* It's getting hot in here * So hot!
* So take off all your... (music dropping)
Ladies! Hey, hey! * I am... so hot...
Ladies!
The problem is those edits really changed the meaning of that song,
because now it's just a man complaining about the heat
and proposing no solution whatsoever.
That's not sexy.
Moving on now to Ireland, Europe's Boston,
home of...
home of more red hair than Debra Messing's shower drain.
Well, Ireland had an interesting 24 hours this week,
following a bizarre court ruling.
The possession of a range of psychoactive drugs
has been made legal, temporarily,
following a ruling by the appeal court.
The ruling means possession of drugs,
including ecstasy, magic mushrooms
and so-called "headshop drugs" is currently legal.
Yes, multiple drugs were accidentally legalized
in Ireland for a day.
Although I will say this,
if you were waiting for ecstasy to become legal before trying it,
you're probably not the type of person
who's gonna really take to ecstasy.
You might wanna stick with taking Nyquil
and spinning around three times.
It's basically the same.
But the best detail in this whole story
was the underlying case that prompted the ruling,
and I'll let an Irish newscaster fill you in.
A case was brought here before the Court of Appeal this morning
by a man prosecuted for "possession with intent to supply"
the illegal high meow-meow.
Yes, there is a drug called meow-meow.
I'm guessing side effects include aloofness
and a heightened interest in string.
"Oh, you gotta try meow-meow, brah.
"The laser shows are incredible."
And finally-- finally this week,
we turn to Brazil,
where even the Amazon rain forest looks like it's gotten a wax.
Now, President Dilma Rousseff has spent the whole week
dealing with developments in a corruption scandal
which threatens to undermine her entire government.
Brazil's Supreme Court has approved
an investigation into some of the country's top politicians.
They're accused of taking bribes in exchange for lucrative oil contracts
from the state-run oil company Petrobras.
Now, when they say "taking bribes,"
this isn't your standard five grand left in an envelope left under a bench,
'cause Brazil's largest construction and engineering firms
allegedly paid at least $800 million
in bribes and other funds to secure contracts.
800 million!
You'd need an amazing construction firm
just to build a bench large enough
to hide that bribe underneath.
More than 30 members of Rousseff's ruling coalition
are under investigation, so she took to the airwaves
this weekend to try and calm people down.
(speaking Portuguese)
Translator: You have every right to get irritated and be worried,
but I ask for patience and understanding,
because this situation is transitory.
Is it? How is it transitory?
Because unless you're about to flash the entire country
with one of those memory-erasing sticks from "Men in Black,"
I don't think people are going to forget about this.
In fact, Brazilians weren't even listening to her speech for a pretty loud reason.
Her critics had organized a kind of pot-banging protest
An eye witness in Sao Paulo leaned out the window,
"It sounded like a football game.
"People were banging their pots, honking their horns."
(loud clanging)
(cars honking) (man shouts)
(honking) (dog barks)
(banging) (man #2 yells)
That's actually a real form of protest, called "panelaco",
which has been in South America for years
and off-Broadway for decades.
It's so entrenched
it's even taken place on the floor of Brazil's legislature.
(speaking Portuguese)
(clangs)
Now, I love everything about that,
but the best detail there is the sign language interpreter.
Even he is banging invisible pots in disgust.
And if you think that Brazilians are overreacting to this story,
there is one more thing you should know
about Rousseff's involvement in this scandal.
Reporter: President Rousseff chaired the board of Petrobras
for seven years, when much of the corruption
is believed to have taken place.
She's been cleared of any involvement in the scheme.
How has she been cleared?
She chaired the board of Petrobras
while the bribes were--
There's only one way to handle this.
(clanging)
And now, this!
(announcer speaking)
I don't know about you guys, but I've always heard
hat you're not supposed to fight fire with fire.
I don't know about you guys, but I need a good kisser.
I don't know about you, but I lived in the '80s,
the '90s, and the 2000s.
I don't know about you, but it turns out,
I have been abusing a drug.
I don't know about you, Shep. I ate a lot of hot dogs growing up.
I don't know about you, but when I think of flirty talk,
it's not of the racist nature.
I don't know about you, but I don't need lactation service.
(laughter)
Moving on. Our main story tonight
concerns the fact that one of America's most sacred annual traditions is upon us.
* Announcer: Everything comes down to this...
Man: Oh my goodness!
* Tryna get the wheels in motion *
Hey! Oh, yeah!
Announcer #2: Bring the noise.
It goes! Yes!
As good as it gets!
(announcer speaks)
Wow! (buzzer blares)
Holy shit!
Yes. "March is on.
"Fuck you, February.
"And, April, I'll see you in hell.
"It's March o'clock, assholes."
(laughter, applause) The first round...
The first round of March Madness,
the year's biggest college tournament, starts on Tuesday,
and the entire nation will be watching,
which means big, big money.
March Madness now brings in over a billion dollars in TV ad revenue.
A billion dollars?
That's more than the Super Bowl.
It's almost more than the entire NFL post-season combined,
and that might seem like a lot
until you consider the number of ads they manage to pack in.
Announcer: Sponsored by... Lexus.
Announcer #2: "AT&T At The Half"
is presented by AT&T.
Announcer #3: Our game is brought to you in HDTV by HP.
Announcer #4: Coke Zero presents
"Real Fans of NCAA March Madness."
Pretty soon, the only thing left to sponsor
will be the sponsorships themselves.
"And now, Pepsi presents a Geico look
"at Nabisco's Toyota 'Moment of the Game'
"brought to you by Taco Bell."
(cheering) Because-- Because you should know
everything about this tournament is branded,
even the famous moment where players cut down the net.
Announcer: Werner Ladder, proud to donate
to the general scholarship fund
of every school in this year's final four.
Werner, the official ladder of the NCAA Basketball Championships.
Are you kidding me?
A Werner ladder?
Look, as a ladder enthusiast, I can tell you right now--
Werners are pure shit,
unless you want a broken back,
in which case, by all means, go with Werner,
but you'd be better off slapping on a pair of stilts
and trying to balance on a yoga ball.
I'm a DeWalt man, of course.
I'm not a ladder idiot.
Seriously, there is nothing inherently wrong
with a sporting tournament making huge amounts of money,
but there is something slightly troubling
about a billion-dollar sports enterprise
where the athletes are not paid a penny, because they aren't.
And as the head of the NCAA, Mark Emmert, will tell you,
they don't want that to change.
There's not even a salary to debate.
They're not employees. They're students.
The fact is, they're not employees. They're student-athletes.
I can't say often enough, obviously,
that student-athletes are students.
They're not employees.
The only other people
who say they're not employees that much
are people who run illegal sweatshops out of their basements.
"Oh! They're not employees!
"It's a summer camp where they make the same T-shirt
"over and over again thousands of times.
"It's summer fun year round."
And the problem is, when you don't pay people,
there are consequences.
One of the players who climbed the sponsored ladder last year
was Shabazz Napier, who happened to let slip
a startling fact after one of the games.
Sometimes, like I said, there's hungry nights
when I'm not able to eat,
but I still gotta play up to my capabilities.
There are hungry nights that I go to bed
and I'm starving.
That's insane.
Hunger games should take place annually in a dystopian future,
not every March, sponsored by Coca-Cola on CBS.
The NCAA insists that student-athletes
cannot be paid, because they are amateurs.
And though they've slightly softened their rules
on food, among other things, in the last year,
they still exercise
a ridiculous amount of control over players.
Reporter: Before they're allowed to compete,
athletes have to sign this form
saying that they are amateurs.
They give up any compensation for playing
and promise to abide by all the rules
in this 440-page manual.
A 400-odd-page manual of rules
The only other thing that has that many finicky little rules
would be a sex party at Wes Anderson's house.
(laughter) "Guests are required to wear lingerie
"of only a pre-war Andalusian vintage.
"Fellatio may only be accompanied
"by music from the Kinks and early Cat Stevens.
"And condoms shall be found nestled inside
"a small diorama of the sinking of the Lusitania.
"Now, everybody fuck."
And look,
the NCAA rulebook is not just for show,
as a New Mexico player discovered a few years back.
A discount on a hotel ballroom
is the impermissible benefit and NCAA minor violation
that caused Jamal Fenton to be suspended.
Yes, that's right. He was suspended
for unwittingly receiving a $250 discount
on a ballroom for his 21st birthday party.
And by the way, a discounted ballroom?
Are we absolutely sure he was turning 21
and not celebrating his 40th wedding anniversary
with his lovely wife, Marion?
Because that would make more sense.
But the point is some rule enforcements
got from the petty to the downright heartless.
The late Rick Majerus, when he was at Utah,
had one of his players who lost one of his parents.
And he took him to lunch
before putting him on a plane to send him home...
and the NCAA said that was a violation,
because you can't give an athlete something
you don't give another student.
Oh, sure, I get that.
If you show one player basic human decency,
you have to show everyone basic human decency.
Nobody wants that. (applause)
And to be fair-- to be fair here,
the NCAA claim that while student-athletes are not being paid,
they are being compensated with something incredibly valuable.
We provide them with remarkable opportunities
to get an education
at the finest universities on Earth.
That's American universities and colleges.
Yes, athletes are paid in "an education,"
the only currency more difficult to spend than bitcoin.
And look, a four-year education is undeniably valuable,
assuming that, one, you don't get hurt and lose your scholarship,
which can happen, and two, that you have time to study.
Because if you're a student-athlete
playing top-level basketball or football,
that can be difficult.
Listen to current NFL player Richard Sherman
reminisce about his college days.
You wake up in the morning, you have weights at this time,
then after weights, you go to class,
and after class you go maybe try to grab you a quick bite to eat.
Then after you get your quick bite to eat, you go straight to meetings.
And after meetings, you got practice.
After practice, you gotta try to get all the work done
you had throughout the day.
I would love for a regular student
to have a student-athlete's schedule
during the season for just one quarter or one semester,
and show me how you balance that.
He's right. Paying top college athletes with an education
is sort of like telling a full-time nurse,
"There's no salary for this job.
"We're just gonna be giving you free trumpet lessons
"which you'll be too busy to do,
"but if you don't learn to play the trumpet,
"you're fired. Does that sound fair?
"I think that sounds fair."
And the education athletes do get
is sometimes insultingly watered down.
Last year, an investigation revealed
that the University of North Carolina had for years
held fraudulent so-called "paper classes"
that boosted athletes' grades.
Football and basketball players,
they would be enrolled--
steered to and enrolled in a paper class
in African-American Studies.
So we could have a football player who in the spring
might have a GPA of 1.4,
but in the summer time we put him in three paper classes,
and we get A, A, A-.
And lo and behold, he's academically eligible
to play football in the fall. That's how the system worked.
Okay, let's not pretend there isn't something offensive
about an African-American Studies course
being an easy major at that school.
"Here, just take this class
"investigating the social, political, and cultural complexities inherent
"in the black American experience. It'll be a fucking breeze!
"Phone in! Phone the thing in!"
And it gets worse.
It gets worse, because many student-athletes
at UNC also left with an unusual language credit.
What language did you study?
Swahili.
Swahili? Yes.
Has that come in handy since you graduated?
No. Not at all.
What language did you take? I took Swahili.
Swahili? Yes.
Do you speak Swahili a little bit?
As of right now, no.
Encouraging black student-athletes
to take bullshit Swahili courses
is the kind of institutional prejudice which might well turn up
in one of their African-American Studies courses.
So, let's recap.
Student-athletes don't get paid and sometimes don't even get educated,
but what they do get is the chance to learn from coaches
who will take them under their wing
and provide them with life lessons
and valuable guidance.
(shouts) (bleeps)
Fuck you, fuck me, and fuck everybody!
That is fucking bullshit.
Now-- Now that--
that is inspirational.
Someone should really put that on a cat poster.
(laughter) And while...
while this mistreatment is happening--
It's a good poster.
It lifts your spirits.
While this mistreatment is happening,
huge money is being made,
and not just while they're students,
'cause sometimes the NCAA makes money off players years afterwards.
Case in point. A few years ago,
the NCAA proudly licensed this video game,
a game whose selling point was authenticity.
The crowd, the noise, the cheerleaders.
(cheering)
The intensity of the game, the passion of the game.
It's all about authenticity.
The level of authenticity we go to is extremely deep.
To be honest, I thought the only people that obsessed
with how authentic something was like that
were people from San Diego talking about Mexican food.
"I get it, Kendall, but there are avocados everywhere now, okay?
"We've all got them now."
In fact, that game was so authentic,
it created a bit of an awkward moment
for Ed O'Bannon, a former UCLA star player
who currently works at a car dealership in Las Vegas.
O'Bannon: I was with a friend
and he said that his son
had a video game with me in it.
"Hey, you want to come check it out?"
"Yeah, of course."
Left-handed, height, weight, skin color-- everything-- bald-headed.
It was-- Yeah, it was me, for sure.
I'm thinking to myself, "Wow.
"they've got me on the video game."
And while his kid was playing,
he almost whispers in my ear,
"You know, the crazy thing about this is
"that you didn't get paid."
Okay. First of all,
I don't know who that kid was,
but that's a dick move.
"Hey, Ed. Ed.
"Pretty crazy how you got nothing for this, right, Ed?
"Must be pretty humiliating, right, Ed?
"About you not getting any money for this, Ed?
"Ed? Pretty annoying, right, Ed?
"Are you annoyed, Ed? Are you annoyed right now, Ed?
"Is it annoying to you, Ed?"
They actually-- They actually don't make that game anymore,
in part because Ed O'Bannon sued the NCAA
over their rules on compensating athletes and won.
The NCAA is currently appealing that decision
which would allow players to be paid,
partly because, as they often claim,
schools could barely afford it.
14 schools out of the 1,100 last year
actually had positive cash flow out of intercollegiate athletics.
It's anything but a moneymaking proposition for universities and colleges.
Exactly. We have sports for the same reason
Mariah Carey has an acting career.
God knows its not to make a profit.
It's for the love of the game, okay?
That's the principle.
He's not wrong that many departments barely break even,
although that's a little misleading,
because for the schools that generate most of the money,
those losses are sometimes by design.
Profits are what's left when you account for expenses.
They can come up with an awful lot of expenses,
an awful lot of salaries.
They find a ton of ways to spend a ton of money.
That's true. In keeping with their nonprofit status,
some schools spend money to make it look like they're not making too much money.
It's like when your rich friend buys Diesel jeans
that already have holes in them.
"Come on, Brayden, we all know that you can afford to have warm knees.
"You're not fooling anyone, B."
And when rich schools do this to move money around,
not-so-rich schools end up getting into an arms race to compete.
It's one of the reasons why the 10 largest football stadiums in the country
belong to colleges.
In fact, the University of Michigan has claimed that on game days,
their stadium is the fourth-largest city in the state of Michigan,
and, incidentally, also the one with the fewest
rusted-out auto plants now run by raccoons, so, you know...
They're doing their best.
But stadiums are just the beginning.
Alabama made an "MTV Cribs" style video
showing off their ludicrously opulent football facilities.
Man: One of, really, the best features, I think, of the locker room
is the hydrotherapy area.
We have in there a hot tub and a cold tub.
I use the term "tub," but, really, they're pools.
Okay, I never thought I'd say this,
but, Alabama, stop showing off
your ostentatious wealth, okay?
And-- And the crazy thing is,
it is not just buildings that schools spend money on.
Reporter: Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen
was just given a raise,
pushing his salary to $4 million a year.
$7 million a year for the next eight years.
That's Alabama coach Nick Saban's new deal.
University of Kentucky announced
a $52 million seven-year contract extension
with head basketball coach John Calipari.
Now, before you get too shocked,
remember, America has a long, proud history
of paying aging white men unconscionable amounts of money for screaming at people,
so there's precedence. I'm saying there's precedent there.
But all this makes it even harder to swallow
when some coaches, like Clemson's Dabo Swinney,
a man who makes over $3 million a year,
insists that his players not get paid.
Dabo: As far as paying players,
professionalizing college athletics,
that's where you lose me.
I'll go do something else, because...
there's enough entitlement in this world as it is.
Ooh. (audience groans)
Now-- Wait wait, wait.
If you find that infuriating,
you might like to know that Dabo Swinney
is and anagram for "soybean wind,"
which I think is fitting,
'cause he seems as pleasant as an edamame fart.
And the fact--
and it's a fact that his name is an anagram for "soybean wind."
It's not relevant to this discussion,
but I thought it was worth mentioning,
because it feels like something he'd be annoyed by
and would not want people to know
on a wide basis,
#SoybeanWind.
(cheering) And by the way,
the larger point is...
Swinney has trademarked his name for use on shirts,
because he's allowed to do that.
The NCAA manual explicitly states
coaches are free to pursue endorsements
or consultation contracts.
And players are acutely aware of this discrepancy.
Here's former University of Michigan basketball star Jalen Rose.
The revenue stream for coaches
people underestimate.
You get paid from school. You get paid from camps.
You get paid from apparel company. You have a TV deal.
You have your radio show.
That's five revenue streams for the coach.
So when I come into practice, I miss a couple of shots,
I dribble it off my foot,
and coach says, "Jalen, what's going on with you?"
"What's going on with me? My mother's lights about to get cut off.
"That's my problem."
That makes sense. Sometimes it must be tough
to focus on your lights-out shooting,
when your mother's lights are literally going out.
And if you're thinking, "Well, they'll all get rich
"when they become professional athletes,"
that's true... in a fractional number of cases,
because less than 2%
of college basketball and football players go pro.
So, if you're an athlete who dreams of being a Viking or a Wizard,
you probably have about the same chance of becoming
an actual Viking or an actual wizard.
And all of this assumes
that they manage to stay healthy,
because if they get injured,
a whole host of other problems can emerge.
Fun fact: The very first executive director
of the NCAA stated that he crafted
the term "student-athlete" in the 1950s
explicitly to avoid workers' comp
for injured athletes.
And 60 years later,
that term is still working.
Reporter: Kyle Hardrick was so good,
that Oklahoma offered him a basketball scholarship
in ninth grade.
But after a knee injury during practice his freshman year,
he lost his scholarship.
And with medical bills piling up,
he couldn't afford to stay in school.
If there was workman's comp,
my son would've been taken care of for the rest of his life.
He would've been able to finish his college.
To be fair, he was promised an education, and he got one--
a first-class education
in how little schools sometimes give a shit about their student-athletes.
This whole system
seems fundamentally flawed,
and yet the NCAA constantly insists
there is no way athletes can be paid
even a nominal amount, because...
The notion of converting a student
to a paid employee
is something that is utterly antithetical
to the whole principle of intercollegiate athletics.
It completely changes the entire notion
of what college sports is all about.
You know what? I think you might be right.
If college sports is all about exploiting people,
then, yes, paying athletes would absolutely change
the entire notion of what college sports are all about.
And look, no one is saying... (cheering)
that they need to be paid millions,
or hundreds of thousands, or the same amount,
or even that every school needs to pay every athlete.
But to pay everyone zero
when the kid selling their jersey at the campus bookstore
gets $10 an hour seems a little bit strange.
And if it truly is all about the romance of amateurism, that's fine.
Give up the sponsorships and the TV deals,
stop paying the coaches, and have teams run
by an asthmatic anthropology professor with a whistle.
But if you're gonna change nothing,
at least be honest about the business you're engaged in.
Feel free to bring back your video games,
but in the spirit of authenticity
that seems to matter so much to you,
make them a little more accurate.
Announcer: Rate E for "exploitative."
* Announcer #2: New from LWT Sports,
"March Sadness 2015,"
the most authentic college basketball game of all time.
Because any game can give you the excitement of college athletics,
but that's only about 2% of your week.
For the first time, you'll get to experience
the other 98%.
What are you, a fucking idiot?
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You pass like a fucking pussy!
Announcer #2: You'll get to enjoy all the fun of being screamed at
by a middle-aged millionaire,
while living in constant fear of losing your scholarship,
be it from a career-ending injury...
(grunts) (buzzer blares)
...accidentally accepting a free lunch when you're hungry...
(buzzer blares) ...or directly profiting in any way
from the value of your work... (buzzer blares)
(camera clicking) ...because making money is utterly antithetical
to the whole principle of collegiate athletics.
But don't take it from us.
Take it from the unwitting star
of EA's "NCAA Basketball 09," Ed O'Bannon.
This game is every bit as fucked up as the real thing.
Announcer #2: You'll get to create your own player,
and enjoy an authentic student-athlete experience,
because our game puts just as much emphasis
on an education as a real NCAA Division I school does. (yawns)
Are you ready for your Swahili exam?
(dings) Congratulations, student.
You speak Swahili. Now, back to the gym. (sighs)
It's the most authentic college game of all time,
as another unpaid star of "NCAA Basketball 09,"
Jalen Rose, will attest.
Yeah, that's pretty much what it's like.
And this year, if you play LWT's "NCAA March Sadness,"
you can play in two new modes:
Coach mode, which consists mostly
of screaming at 18-year-olds...
Assholes! Assholes!
I'm gonna kill all of you entitled assholes!
...or you can choose school administrator mode,
where your only job is figuring out how to somehow remain a nonprofit.
You want a stadium across from your stadium?
How about a rocket ship?
But be careful, because if you use a penny of that money
to pay your players, game over. (buzzer blares)
The point is, no matter which mode you choose,
you're guaranteed all the joy of top-level college athletics.
(continues speaking)
(cheers, applause) It's in the shame.
This game is some bullshit.
That's our show. Thank you so much for watching. *
See you next week! Good night!